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You make online dating profiles, then forget they exist.You start out with good intentions of putting yourself out there and doing the online dating thing like everyone else. That’s probably a good thing, though, because realistically, a couple dates don’t mean that you know a guy well enough to start calling him your boyfriend. It’s not as if a guy you actually see yourself getting serious with comes around every day, so when one does, you aren’t very good at hiding it.All of that changed when I befriended Kara Loewentheil, a Certified Master Life Coach and dating guru.Kara specializes in coaching feminist women and gender non-conforming individuals who believe in equality, but still have trouble acting in ways that match those beliefs.Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book?These are things I firmly believed until about nine months ago.“It’s that if you tell yourself that there’s nothing out there for you, your brain will miss seeing opportunities and connections that it could have recognized if you had told it to look for evidence that there are lots of options out there.”“The biggest mistake people make in dating is focusing on the kind of person they want to date rather than the kind of relationship they want to have,” Kara says. “We’re constantly scanning for reasons to disqualify someone.” Looking for these deal-breakers can be a method of self-preservation, a way to spot future trouble.If you focus on finding someone hot, smart and tall, these qualities tell you nothing about how this person will show up for you and how you might show up for them. But heartbreak and sadness are a part of life and therefore a part of dating, she explains, so the risk is always there no matter what we do to scan for it.
If you didn’t want to find something serious, you wouldn’t bother dating at all. The main reason you hate dating is because going on dates that lead nowhere seems like a huge waste of time.
It may feel cheesy, but sometimes putting pen to paper is surprisingly effective, and the repetition can help cement what you know to be true, even if you don’t always that way. “We know from neuroscience and psychology research that the brain sees what it looks for.